how long will I stay awake for you?

It’s not a question of awake or asleep or drifting in and out thereof I am not at peace and therefore I am never asleep I am always awake and it’s exhausting and I’m waiting for you all the time and it’s beginning to get wearing, I don’t know if I can maintain this state of grey/inbetween and I want to feel it more to remind me why I’m waiting but it’s getting swallowed by indifference/numbing and we are (I am) not even halfway. why did you leave me for so long. why.

To dwell on memories, good/bad/sad/ - this is such a human thing - you don’t see a dog ruminating on past experiences no, no you don’t, and we should (I do) envy them. I want to wake up and be pleased simply to wake, not to be reminded of the empty bed/heart/soul beside me/inside me, the family that I’ve lost, the friends that wandered far from my side/love. They call us animals/primates, one and the same, but we’re not (if we were ever) we’re incapacitated/excelled/emboldened/restrained by our ability to recall, explicitly, accompanied undeniably by an ability to sorrow/grieve. I miss my little grandmother today on this beautiful/sunshine/peaceful day. I wish I could be an animal/not human.